4 Tips For Avoiding Backsliding During The Holidays

 

The holidays are tough for many recovering doormats. If you’re at a gathering where known manipulating narcissists are present, please keep in mind these 4 tips to avoid slippage and backsliding into doormatish behavior.

  1. Do not accommodate.

 This is the number one behavior to stay vigilant about.  Remember, the word NO is your best friend; everyday, and especially during the holidays. Remember to enforce your boundaries because if left unguarded the danger of backsliding into mattish behavior is imminent.

  1. Refuse to be manipulated.

By now you’re aware of whom the master manipulators in your family and inner circle are. Never relax into a comfort zone with them because that is when they will worm their way across your boundaries.

Awareness of their manipulation tactics is the most important step to avoidance. Their tools include, but are not limited to:  flattery,  a noted change in their usual narcissistic behavior (being too cooperative or too nice) and offering up sob stories in hopes of eliciting pity from you.

And remember NO is your best friend.

  1. No obsessing. Period.

Recognition of obsessing is the first step for avoidance.   The next step is consciously changing what you’re thinking about. Exercise is a great mind altering tool for recovering doormats. If you can get out for a long walk or take a jog, do it!

A bout of holiday blues is normal for many recovering mats.   Holidays may stir up memories that get stuck inside our heads repeating on an endless loop. We may search for relief by over-sharing with whoever is in our company, and this is dangerous. Confiding in a professional mental health specialist is best, but if this isn’t possible, be selective about who you’re sharing your feelings with.

  1. You have a voice, and you’re allowed to use it!

 Don’t let anyone drown out your voice rendering you into a silent state of compliance. Even though it’s the holidays, you can stand up for what you want, disagree and stay true to your beliefs.

Remember;  recovering from doormatism never takes a holiday.

By | 2017-11-20T15:07:52+00:00 November 20th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

Got Healthy Self-Love?

healthy-self-love

 

“A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time.  We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life. ”  Andrew Matthews

 

By | 2017-03-04T14:39:01+00:00 March 4th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

7 Ways To Stop Obsessing and Feeling Stuck

 

Obsessing  doesn’t have a positive outcome, yet it’s one of the top ten behaviors all people pleasing doormats engage in.  The only thing ruminating will do is get and keep us stuck.  Repeating the same thought over and over, without a solution renders us powerless and stagnant.

If you’re feeling stuck, please read these 7 suggestions for  un-sticking yourself and moving forward.
dark-yellow-paper

By | 2016-11-05T13:18:30+00:00 November 5th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

Beware.

beware.

If you’re a too-nice-for-your-own-good people pleaser it’s feasible you may have a narcissist or two in your life. Or circling.  Feeling manipulated or controlled by a certain person, or group?  Take a closer look at who you’re investing your time in. Just because YOU don’t have a secret agenda for them, doesn’t mean they aren’t pulling your strings for self-serving needs that have nothing to do with caring about you.

They circle like vultures and prey upon the good hearted: They’re hiding in plain sight, but difficult to see until it’s too late.

Beware of the narcissist.  

By | 2016-10-29T12:26:02+00:00 October 29th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

Speak your Truth.

Why do we feel terrible when we begin standing up for ourselves?

People pleasers are so use to staying silent, accepting abusive and critical verbal abuse that speaking our mind feels unnatural and uncomfortable.  Going along with the general consensus, and not making waves was our MO for so long we believed this to be normal.

During recovery from doormatism, it’s hard to speak our truth. But we must learn how to despite possible residual negative feelings.  The moment the words are spoken we may start traveling down the river of doubt. Then perhaps, turn in ourselves, beating our self up with false beliefs of unworthiness.   And then our most self destructive behavior: forgetting WHY we spoke our truth in the first place.  Forgetting we have the right to defend ourselves without guilt, shame or concern if we’ve upset our abuser is detrimental.

The good news is: our level of uncomfortableness fades the more we practice self care.

Stand up, speak out without guilt or shame.

#offthefloor

 

Anyone ever feel like this?

Anyone ever feel like this?

By | 2016-10-02T09:51:57+00:00 October 2nd, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|4 Comments

Stress Triggers

Button pushersWe all know people who are masters at pushing our buttons. Most are family members and close friends. They aren’t toxic but cause enormous stress. They’re well-meaning but their good intentions are counterproductive to our needs and elevate our stress level.

Knowing WHO these people are, then keeping a safe distance (especially in stressful situations) is one way to manage their good intentions.

By | 2016-08-16T10:25:12+00:00 August 16th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|5 Comments

Verbal abuse is abuse.

The power of hurtful language is just as damaging and maybe even more detrimental than a physical assault.  If someone strikes us, afterwards we can see the wound heal and know exactly what to do. Many times we choose to leave the relationship.  A physical  affront will make us take action. In most cases, will permit us to make a healthy decision about how to move forward.

But when the abuse is verbal, some fragment gets lodged within our mind and continues to replay itself.  The wound never heals, and we remain within the abusive relationship, justifying the abusers behavior.   But verbal abuse just like physical abuse is never okay, and should never be minimized or tolerated.

Stand up, speak out and walk away.  verbal abuse is not ok

By | 2016-07-31T10:32:17+00:00 July 31st, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|8 Comments

Break the cycle of self-blaming.

Feeling worthy All humans are flawed and have needs. Except the narcissist. Don’t believe me?  Just ask one. They’ll laundry list their super powers while pointing out and embellishing our weaknesses. Belittling and negating others is their specialty. Reducing another to an unworthy pile of insignificance; their primary goal.

Narcissists, or ‘A’ Listers as we refer to them here at The Society for Recovering Doormats, are dangerous personalities, especially for people pleasing doormats. They are toxic to approval addicts because we’re the first to accept and internalize the terrible lies they proclaim. We think we need their love and approval and validate their vicious, self-serving talk as truth.  But giving credence to their warped views, renders us ashamed and unworthy.

Break the cycle of self-blaming now! The next time you’re feeling too needy and less than the wonderful person you are, remember:  it’s not you!  Consider instead the company you’re keeping.  Chances are they are an ‘all-about-themselves ‘A’ Lister.  

You can’t change them but have a choice to disassociate.  If this isn’t feasible because of life circumstances then disengage with them mentally and emotionally,  Do not give them the power to steal your worthiness. It is every person’s birthright.

By | 2016-07-16T17:08:24+00:00 July 16th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|8 Comments

Stress, Anxiety and Depression

 

One of the biggest challenges of people pleasing, approval addicts is saying ‘no’ because we don’t want to let anyone down.  Instead of speaking our truth and letting our needs known, we accommodate.  We wind up in uncomfortable situations, surrounded by people we don’t want to be around, doing things we’re not interested in. We appease others because disappointing anyone terrifies us.  We want everyone to be happy, and negate our own personal happiness in the process.

We may be unaware of the tremendous price we’re paying by being a ‘yes person.’ Stress, anxiety and depression are byproducts of people pleasing.  By avoiding conflict at all costs we might stave off a disagreement. But by keeping the peace we cause a damaging war inside ourselves.

Please remember this the next time you say yes when you really mean no. Or stay silent when you need to speak up. Stress and anxiety

By | 2016-06-28T22:13:58+00:00 June 28th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments