Are you always the one reaching out, making plans and following through? How many times have you excused a friend’s lack of effort within a friendship? People pleasers need to be mindful of efforts given to friends who don’t reciprocate. Everyone has a lot on their plate and are going through something. Excusing these excuses is a signature trademark of doormat behavior.
If you’re feeling ignored and brushed aside by a ‘friend,’ then it’s time to reevaluate the friendship. Time to adjust your level of effort, and emotional involvement.
If you’re friendship feels one-sided, as if the person is doing you a favor, then do yourself a favor and never bother them again.
The most important thing to remember when in conversation with a turner is never let your guard down. You may feel comfortable and safe and that is what the turner is waiting for. The turner uses your open and vulnerable state as their cue to wield a nasty toxic remark at you. Or say something to undermine your confidence. Or both. And last but not least: do not over-share. Even if you’re in party mode and feeling the love. Unfiltered chatter and TMI can lead to the turner’s knife drawer. They might not throw one at you immediately, opting for another time when they will double their arsenal.
Turners are usually close and trusted friends and relatives. They are our confidants because they feel like a safe haven until disagreeing with them. Then, turners are vicious and nasty, just like the narcissist. But worse because we trusted them and never suspected their toxic side.
The main difference between a narcissist and turner (although they are kissing cousins) are the recognizable red flags preceding the narc. The turner doesn’t exhibit warning signals. Their status is only realized after burning us. They are more dangerous than narcs because much energy, love and trust is invested in them. Many times, we excuse away the first attack because we can’t believe our dear one is capable of this hurtful behavior.
Once a turner shows you who they are; believe them the first time. They will do it again and again if you allow them the first trespass. Distance yourself emotionally and avoid another turn burn.
With the current chaos in our world, amplified and distorted by the media 24/7, it is easy to get caught up in the turmoil. Today, more than ever, we have to believe better days are coming. Repeat this thought often and share it with others. As recovering doormats we can’t let these turbulent times send us back to hiding within our comfort zones. We can’t use it as an excuse not to stand up and move forward.
I believe with all my heart better days are coming and encourage all to do the same.
“A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time. We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life. ” Andrew Matthews
Declaring your choices by speaking up is vital for all people pleasers. Use your voice to perpetuate or negate. For initiating or terminating. You have a right to agree or refute. All vocalized decisions enable recovery from doormatism.
The only decision keeping you stuck in doormat mode is remaining silent.
What is a true friend? Many claim this title, but how many are mere acquaintances, people we know in passing ? Or people who disappear when we’re struggling? Or become belligerent, hostile and toxic when we express different opinions. Perhaps some are adversaries, hiding their true agendas; like wolves in sheep clothing. Or friends using our failures and disappointments to bolster their egos.
Today, more than ever, it’s necessary to know who’s with you. In this chaotic climate of change and uncertainty, one thing is absolutely vital: True friends.
A true friend loves you at your worst, and celebrates your bests.
There are times when we can take action, make a positive difference by standing up and speaking out and bring about a significant, effective change. But there are those times when all we can do is keep breathing, waiting for the storm to pass.
Thank you to all who visit, comment and share The Society for Recovering Doormats. Wishing everyone a safe, peaceful, healthy and happy new year. Sending big hugs and much love to all. *Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner.
For newbies here: *Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner: I am an author and Rose is my alter ego. I use her strength to help others stand up and speak out and realize they are not alone.
We’re all standing up and speaking out together. Rose can always lead the way, sometimes as a conduit for all struggling. Or just someone to reach out to on-line when no one else will listen.
Ivy is a recovering doormat, trying my best my best to stay off the floor.
How many times have we accepted others views without question? Allowed their thoughts to reign supreme and leave our own opinions unspoken. Or IF we speak out, and our ideas are met with disapproval, contempt, and invalidated, remain silent and allow others to feed our self-doubts.
People pleasers, aka doormats, accept others negative views as absolute truth because we’re programmed not to make waves, or disagree. Stuffing down our own feelings and opinions is harmful and results in self-doubt, low self-esteem and inordinate amounts of stress. Allowing other people’s thoughts and values to govern our lives is dangerous because it determines our self-worth.
STOP listening to other people.
Being aware of this pitfall is an important step in recovering from doormatism. Knowing that other’s value judgements don’t matter is freeing! Validating our own efforts, accomplishments and self-worth is all that’s important.