4 Tips For Avoiding Backsliding During The Holidays

 

The holidays are tough for many recovering doormats. If you’re at a gathering where known manipulating narcissists are present, please keep in mind these 4 tips to avoid slippage and backsliding into doormatish behavior.

  1. Do not accommodate.

 This is the number one behavior to stay vigilant about.  Remember, the word NO is your best friend; everyday, and especially during the holidays. Remember to enforce your boundaries because if left unguarded the danger of backsliding into mattish behavior is imminent.

  1. Refuse to be manipulated.

By now you’re aware of whom the master manipulators in your family and inner circle are. Never relax into a comfort zone with them because that is when they will worm their way across your boundaries.

Awareness of their manipulation tactics is the most important step to avoidance. Their tools include, but are not limited to:  flattery,  a noted change in their usual narcissistic behavior (being too cooperative or too nice) and offering up sob stories in hopes of eliciting pity from you.

And remember NO is your best friend.

  1. No obsessing. Period.

Recognition of obsessing is the first step for avoidance.   The next step is consciously changing what you’re thinking about. Exercise is a great mind altering tool for recovering doormats. If you can get out for a long walk or take a jog, do it!

A bout of holiday blues is normal for many recovering mats.   Holidays may stir up memories that get stuck inside our heads repeating on an endless loop. We may search for relief by over-sharing with whoever is in our company, and this is dangerous. Confiding in a professional mental health specialist is best, but if this isn’t possible, be selective about who you’re sharing your feelings with.

  1. You have a voice, and you’re allowed to use it!

 Don’t let anyone drown out your voice rendering you into a silent state of compliance. Even though it’s the holidays, you can stand up for what you want, disagree and stay true to your beliefs.

Remember;  recovering from doormatism never takes a holiday.

By | 2017-11-20T15:07:52+00:00 November 20th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

The Society For Recovering Doormats Turns 5!


I’d been a people pleaser since childhood. Being a polite, caring, thoughtful, kind and non-confrontational person was ingrained by my Mother. I didn’t know there was an alternative way to behave and treated everyone with respect and love; except myself. Years of this behavior chipped away at my self-confidence, worth and esteem.

In my twenties, I realized something was wrong but I didn’t know what. As an actor and writer accepting rejection was my status quo and confirmed my feelings of worthlessness. Since I didn’t know there was another way to feel, I accepted my self-doubt, and insecurities as normal.

Later in life this became an ongoing conversation with my therapist.

On a hot day in July 2012, I received another rejection letter from a publisher who I’d sent a query to about my book. I stuffed the letter inside my purse and went to see my therapist. In tears, I told him I was done with writing. He suggested taking a break from submitting my book. “Why don’t you start a page on Facebook?” I wasn’t technology savvy and the thought learning social media was daunting. And besides, what would I write about? “Write about something you’re good at.” My therapist offered.

I thought for several minutes and couldn’t think of a single thing. Then I blurted out, “I’m good at being a doormat.”

“Then write about that!” His eyes light up.

I left my appointment confused, and scared. I stored his suggestion in the back of my mind. Then on a rainy night in late October I started wondering about what my therapist had said. A few days later, after figuring out how to put up a page I took a deep breath and began writing. Unsure of what I’d say, or what my page would be, I forged ahead. The only thing I knew was I couldn’t be the only person out there who put everyone else’s needs and desires first. There must be a few others feeling “less than” and not good enough. Perhaps people who were too nice for their own good needed someplace to vent, rant, and share their struggles. And so I created The Society for Recovering Doormats – A safe place for people pleasers to visit.  And visit they did, by the thousands.

Now with over 76,000 Facebook followers, I’ve expanded to other social media platforms including this blog site The Society for Recovering Doormats, INSTAGRAM, and twitter. I published my first book, My Life as a Doormat in 2014, and am working on the sequel Not Just My Mother’s Daughter.  Also in the works is a self – help book called Off The Floor.

To mark my 5 year milestone anniversary, I’ve started a newsletter which you can receive for free by signing up with your email address on this blog site.

Many thanks to all who visit and share, I appreciate you more than words can say. Here’s to another 5 years of standing up and speaking out together!

With love and gratitude,
Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner

By | 2017-11-06T17:48:31+00:00 October 23rd, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|4 Comments

Update on my second book –

I’m starting  work on chapter 13 in my next book!  Although I haven’t decided on a final title yet, I’m considering Not Just My Mother’s Daughter. 

Book 2 takes place in the early 1990’s.  Rose Gardner is faced with a new set of challenges, situations and people to stand up to. Many of the same characters from       My Life as a Doormat are featured and new ones are added as the complicated relationship between mother and daughter is explored.

Below is  an excerpt.  I’d love to hear what you think of the title, and this blurb.

Excerpt for Book 2

By | 2017-10-07T11:18:27+00:00 October 7th, 2017|Book 2 untitled, Uncategorized|5 Comments

See what’s being said about “My Life as a Doormat”

Reviews from AMAZON

on September 29, 2017
Love, Love Loved this book. One reason was I grew up in Miami Florida and understand Rose Gardener’s life. if you want to get away from all the political B.S. and enjoy reading about something other than the news, this is a great read. I have always felt like I let people walk all over me because I want to please others and don’t want to be thought of as a bitch..Reading this opened my eyes to a real change in my attitude about knowing that you can be kind, nice and not let people take you for granted.This is a clear lesson in what NOT to do. This is her story but I bet you see yourself in Rose. Buy it, read it and you will see there is a big lesson to be learned.
on July 13, 2017
I found MY LIFE AS A DOORMAT to be an easy, quick read, a perfect book choice for summer. Rose’s relatable angst is balanced with just the right dose of humor and a sense of hope for the future. The reader is able to connect with Rose as she deals with doormat challenges on her journey into adulthood.
on February 24, 2016
If you’ve ever known any struggling artists you might recognize them in this very entertaining book. The author painted a very clear portrait of her characters and showed the struggles and growth of the main character. It’s an easy book to read and it is easy to imagine the scenes and players. It was a perfect pick-me-up on a grey winter day! Enjoy!!
on September 12, 2015
What a delightful read. The story of a struggling actress in Manhattan in the early 1980’s truly reflects the vibe of the times. Decisions about career, friendship, romance, family, and life itself are dealt with in a poignant and humorous way that is meaningful to us all. You’ll love reading about Rose’s tribulations and triumphs as she navigates the urban jungle to make her name known. Can’t wait for the sequel.
5.0 out of 5 stars 
Mitch P. (Los Angeles, CA) – November 12, 2014
My Life as a Doormat (Kindle Edition) 
This book stirred up so many memories for me. Its written from the heart, but also with so much humor and originality. Please tell me this is just the beginning of a series. I’m emotionally invested in Rose and her journey. This is a book for all ages and walks of life because you WILL find a part of yourself in it!
If you’ve read My Life as a Doormat please post a review on Amazon.
By | 2017-10-05T12:30:01+00:00 October 5th, 2017|"My Life as a Doormat" Book|0 Comments

Phantom Friends.

FriendsAre you always the one reaching out, making plans and following through? How many times have you excused a friend’s lack of effort within a friendship?  People pleasers need to be mindful of efforts given to friends who don’t reciprocate. Everyone has a lot on their plate and are going through something.  Excusing these excuses is a signature  trademark of doormat behavior.

If you’re feeling ignored and brushed aside by a ‘friend,’  then it’s time to reevaluate the friendship.  Time to adjust your level of effort, and emotional involvement.

If you’re friendship feels one-sided, as if the person is doing you a favor, then do yourself a favor and never bother them again.

By | 2017-07-24T11:21:07+00:00 July 24th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

Happy 4th of July

July 4thThis summer holiday celebrated in the USA is more than going to the beach, barbecues,  picnics and watermelon.  This holiday commemorates that we are a FREE NATION.  We celebrate this day because millions of Americans sacrificed their lives defending and protecting this precious commodity freedom.  Freedom of speech, the press and the pursuit of happiness.

By | 2017-07-04T10:37:25+00:00 July 4th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

How To Avoid TURN BURN.

knife drawerThe most important thing to remember when in conversation with a turner is never let your guard down.  You may feel comfortable and safe and that is what the turner is waiting for.   The turner uses your open and vulnerable state as their cue to wield a nasty toxic remark at you. Or say something to undermine your confidence. Or both.  And last but not least: do not over-share.  Even if you’re in party mode and feeling the love.  Unfiltered  chatter and TMI can lead to the turner’s knife drawer.  They might not throw one at you immediately, opting for another time when they will double their arsenal.

 

By | 2017-05-22T15:03:09+00:00 May 22nd, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|3 Comments

TURN BURN.

Turners

Beware of the turner.

Turners are usually close and trusted friends and relatives.  They are our confidants because they feel like a safe haven until  disagreeing  with them. Then, turners are vicious and nasty, just like the narcissist. But worse because we trusted them and never suspected their toxic side.

The main difference between a narcissist and turner (although they are kissing cousins) are the recognizable red flags preceding the narc.  The turner doesn’t exhibit  warning signals. Their status is only realized after burning us.  They are more dangerous than narcs because much energy,  love and trust is invested in them. Many times, we excuse away the first attack because we can’t believe our dear one is capable of this hurtful behavior.

Once a turner shows you who they are; believe them the first time.  They will do it again and again if you allow them the first trespass. Distance yourself emotionally and avoid another turn burn.

By | 2017-05-18T12:30:09+00:00 May 18th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|11 Comments

True Friends.

 

True friend

What is a true friend?  Many claim this title, but how many are mere acquaintances, people we know in passing ? Or people who disappear when we’re struggling? Or become belligerent, hostile and toxic when we express different opinions.   Perhaps some are adversaries, hiding their true agendas; like wolves in sheep clothing.  Or friends using our failures and disappointments to bolster their egos.

Today, more than ever, it’s necessary to know who’s with you.  In this chaotic climate of change and uncertainty, one thing is absolutely vital:   True friends.  

A true friend loves you at your worst, and celebrates your bests.

 

By | 2017-01-22T11:48:14+00:00 January 22nd, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|2 Comments