“A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time. We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life. ” Andrew Matthews
How many times have we accepted others views without question? Allowed their thoughts to reign supreme and leave our own opinions unspoken. Or IF we speak out, and our ideas are met with disapproval, contempt, and invalidated, remain silent and allow others to feed our self-doubts.
People pleasers, aka doormats, accept others negative views as absolute truth because we’re programmed not to make waves, or disagree. Stuffing down our own feelings and opinions is harmful and results in self-doubt, low self-esteem and inordinate amounts of stress. Allowing other people’s thoughts and values to govern our lives is dangerous because it determines our self-worth.
STOP listening to other people.
Being aware of this pitfall is an important step in recovering from doormatism. Knowing that other’s value judgements don’t matter is freeing! Validating our own efforts, accomplishments and self-worth is all that’s important.
Obsessing doesn’t have a positive outcome, yet it’s one of the top ten behaviors all people pleasing doormats engage in. The only thing ruminating will do is get and keep us stuck. Repeating the same thought over and over, without a solution renders us powerless and stagnant.
If you’re feeling stuck, please read these 7 suggestions for un-sticking yourself and moving forward.
If you’re a too-nice-for-your-own-good people pleaser it’s feasible you may have a narcissist or two in your life. Or circling. Feeling manipulated or controlled by a certain person, or group? Take a closer look at who you’re investing your time in. Just because YOU don’t have a secret agenda for them, doesn’t mean they aren’t pulling your strings for self-serving needs that have nothing to do with caring about you.
They circle like vultures and prey upon the good hearted: They’re hiding in plain sight, but difficult to see until it’s too late.
I’ll be at Barnes & Noble on October 15th. See below for details.
I’m so excited for my up-coming book event at Barnes & Noble in Asheville North Carolina on Saturday October 15th at 2:00PM, If you’re in the area please stop by and say hello!
Saturday, October 15th 2:00PM – 3:30PM
Barnes and Noble in Asheville Mall
3 South Tunnel Road Asheville, NC 28805 828-296-7335
Author Signing(Biography, Fiction, Humor)
“Please join us in welcoming author Rose Gardner who will be discussing and signing her book My Life as a Doormat. In this fictionalized biography, it is 1980 and naïve Rose has moved to New York to pursue her acting career. Anxious and uncertain, Rose must learn to stand up and speak for herself — the rallying cry of The Society for Recovering Doormats!”
Why do we feel terrible when we begin standing up for ourselves?
People pleasers are so use to staying silent, accepting abusive and critical verbal abuse that speaking our mind feels unnatural and uncomfortable. Going along with the general consensus, and not making waves was our MO for so long we believed this to be normal.
During recovery from doormatism, it’s hard to speak our truth. But we must learn how to despite possible residual negative feelings. The moment the words are spoken we may start traveling down the river of doubt. Then perhaps, turn in ourselves, beating our self up with false beliefs of unworthiness. And then our most self destructive behavior: forgetting WHY we spoke our truth in the first place. Forgetting we have the right to defend ourselves without guilt, shame or concern if we’ve upset our abuser is detrimental.
The good news is: our level of uncomfortableness fades the more we practice self care.
In August I was interviewed on Between The Covers. I had a wonderful time on the half hour television show dedicated to interviewing authors. The episode airs on September 30th & October 1st. I’m very excited and hope you’ll tune in or click here to view on line – http://www.pbs.org/video/2365847545/
Between The Covers airs in West Palm Beach and all of South Florida on WXEL PBS, on Sept. 30th at 5:30 pm & Oct. 1st at 10.00 am.
We all know people who are masters at pushing our buttons. Most are family members and close friends. They aren’t toxic but cause enormous stress. They’re well-meaning but their good intentions are counterproductive to our needs and elevate our stress level.
Knowing WHO these people are, then keeping a safe distance (especially in stressful situations) is one way to manage their good intentions.
The power of hurtful language is just as damaging and maybe even more detrimental than a physical assault. If someone strikes us, afterwards we can see the wound heal and know exactly what to do. Many times we choose to leave the relationship. A physical affront will make us take action. In most cases, will permit us to make a healthy decision about how to move forward.
But when the abuse is verbal, some fragment gets lodged within our mind and continues to replay itself. The wound never heals, and we remain within the abusive relationship, justifying the abusers behavior. But verbal abuse just like physical abuse is never okay, and should never be minimized or tolerated.
All humans are flawed and have needs. Except the narcissist. Don’t believe me? Just ask one. They’ll laundry list their super powers while pointing out and embellishing our weaknesses. Belittling and negating others is their specialty. Reducing another to an unworthy pile of insignificance; their primary goal.
Narcissists, or ‘A’ Listers as we refer to them here at The Society for Recovering Doormats, are dangerous personalities, especially for people pleasing doormats. They are toxic to approval addicts because we’re the first to accept and internalize the terrible lies they proclaim. We think we need their love and approval and validate their vicious, self-serving talk as truth. But giving credence to their warped views, renders us ashamed and unworthy.
Break the cycle of self-blaming now! The next time you’re feeling too needy and less than the wonderful person you are, remember: it’s not you! Consider instead the company you’re keeping. Chances are they are an ‘all-about-themselves ‘A’ Lister.
You can’t change them but have a choice to disassociate. If this isn’t feasible because of life circumstances then disengage with them mentally and emotionally, Do not give them the power to steal your worthiness. It is every person’s birthright.