Why do I always do the right thing for the wrong people?

Right thing for wrong people

Chances are if you’re a people pleaser you are indiscriminate about whom you care about.  You do for others what you should be doing for yourself.   As an accommodating and passive, non confrontational and easy-going person, hours are spent worrying about doing the right thing. Or worse; worried about the past.  The past which is gone and can’t be changed.  Insecure and terrified about hurting other people’s feelings and doing what others want is the go to behavior of people pleasers; affectionately know as doormats.

When you give to like-minded people the rewards of you selfless behavior is acknowledged, appreciated, valued and loved.   But when the recipients of your good heart and intentions are narcissists, there is zero benefit. You’re left feeling judged and worthless. Nothing you ever do is good enough and they manipulate and dictate your every move according to their needs.

Why would anyone get involved with someone like this?  I believe it’s  a subconscious choice because narcissist are drawn to good-natured folks like us;  just like bees to honey.  They  disguise their ulterior motive and agendas until confidant they have us under their evil spell.  By the time we realize the one-sideness of the relationship it takes a long time to make a final exit.  But exit we must.

 

 

By | 2017-10-18T11:29:41+00:00 October 18th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|2 Comments

See what’s being said about “My Life as a Doormat”

Reviews from AMAZON

on September 29, 2017
Love, Love Loved this book. One reason was I grew up in Miami Florida and understand Rose Gardener’s life. if you want to get away from all the political B.S. and enjoy reading about something other than the news, this is a great read. I have always felt like I let people walk all over me because I want to please others and don’t want to be thought of as a bitch..Reading this opened my eyes to a real change in my attitude about knowing that you can be kind, nice and not let people take you for granted.This is a clear lesson in what NOT to do. This is her story but I bet you see yourself in Rose. Buy it, read it and you will see there is a big lesson to be learned.
on July 13, 2017
I found MY LIFE AS A DOORMAT to be an easy, quick read, a perfect book choice for summer. Rose’s relatable angst is balanced with just the right dose of humor and a sense of hope for the future. The reader is able to connect with Rose as she deals with doormat challenges on her journey into adulthood.
on February 24, 2016
If you’ve ever known any struggling artists you might recognize them in this very entertaining book. The author painted a very clear portrait of her characters and showed the struggles and growth of the main character. It’s an easy book to read and it is easy to imagine the scenes and players. It was a perfect pick-me-up on a grey winter day! Enjoy!!
on September 12, 2015
What a delightful read. The story of a struggling actress in Manhattan in the early 1980’s truly reflects the vibe of the times. Decisions about career, friendship, romance, family, and life itself are dealt with in a poignant and humorous way that is meaningful to us all. You’ll love reading about Rose’s tribulations and triumphs as she navigates the urban jungle to make her name known. Can’t wait for the sequel.
5.0 out of 5 stars 
Mitch P. (Los Angeles, CA) – November 12, 2014
My Life as a Doormat (Kindle Edition) 
This book stirred up so many memories for me. Its written from the heart, but also with so much humor and originality. Please tell me this is just the beginning of a series. I’m emotionally invested in Rose and her journey. This is a book for all ages and walks of life because you WILL find a part of yourself in it!
If you’ve read My Life as a Doormat please post a review on Amazon.
By | 2017-10-05T12:30:01+00:00 October 5th, 2017|"My Life as a Doormat" Book|0 Comments

Got Healthy Self-Love?

healthy-self-love

 

“A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time.  We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life. ”  Andrew Matthews

 

By | 2017-03-04T14:39:01+00:00 March 4th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

Welcome 2017 Happy New Year

Thank you to all who visit, comment and share The Society for Recovering Doormats. Wishing everyone a safe, peaceful, healthy and happy new year.  Sending big hugs and much love to all.   *Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner.

For newbies here:  *Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner:   I am an author and Rose is my alter ego.  I use her strength to help others stand up and speak out and realize they are not alone.

We’re all standing up and speaking out together.  Rose can always lead the way,  sometimes as a conduit for all struggling. Or just someone to reach out to on-line when no one else will listen.

Ivy is a recovering doormat, trying my best my best to stay off the floor. 

happy-new-year

By | 2017-01-01T13:09:21+00:00 January 1st, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness, Uncategorized|2 Comments

I’m doing the best I can and that’s all that matters.

i-will-ignore-others-judgements-about-me

 

How many times have we accepted others views without question? Allowed their thoughts to reign supreme and leave our own opinions unspoken. Or IF we speak out, and our ideas are met with disapproval, contempt, and invalidated, remain silent and allow others to feed our self-doubts.

People pleasers, aka doormats, accept others negative views as absolute truth because we’re programmed not to make waves, or disagree.  Stuffing down our own feelings and opinions is harmful and results in self-doubt, low self-esteem and inordinate amounts of stress.  Allowing other people’s thoughts and values to govern our lives is dangerous because it determines our self-worth.

STOP listening to other people. 

Being aware of this pitfall is an important step in recovering from doormatism.  Knowing that other’s value judgements don’t matter is freeing!   Validating our own efforts, accomplishments and self-worth is all that’s important.

We are doing the best we can and that is enough.

By | 2016-12-20T13:50:21+00:00 December 20th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|5 Comments

7 Ways To Stop Obsessing and Feeling Stuck

 

Obsessing  doesn’t have a positive outcome, yet it’s one of the top ten behaviors all people pleasing doormats engage in.  The only thing ruminating will do is get and keep us stuck.  Repeating the same thought over and over, without a solution renders us powerless and stagnant.

If you’re feeling stuck, please read these 7 suggestions for  un-sticking yourself and moving forward.
dark-yellow-paper

By | 2016-11-05T13:18:30+00:00 November 5th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

Verbal abuse is abuse.

The power of hurtful language is just as damaging and maybe even more detrimental than a physical assault.  If someone strikes us, afterwards we can see the wound heal and know exactly what to do. Many times we choose to leave the relationship.  A physical  affront will make us take action. In most cases, will permit us to make a healthy decision about how to move forward.

But when the abuse is verbal, some fragment gets lodged within our mind and continues to replay itself.  The wound never heals, and we remain within the abusive relationship, justifying the abusers behavior.   But verbal abuse just like physical abuse is never okay, and should never be minimized or tolerated.

Stand up, speak out and walk away.  verbal abuse is not ok

By | 2016-07-31T10:32:17+00:00 July 31st, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|8 Comments

Break the cycle of self-blaming.

Feeling worthy All humans are flawed and have needs. Except the narcissist. Don’t believe me?  Just ask one. They’ll laundry list their super powers while pointing out and embellishing our weaknesses. Belittling and negating others is their specialty. Reducing another to an unworthy pile of insignificance; their primary goal.

Narcissists, or ‘A’ Listers as we refer to them here at The Society for Recovering Doormats, are dangerous personalities, especially for people pleasing doormats. They are toxic to approval addicts because we’re the first to accept and internalize the terrible lies they proclaim. We think we need their love and approval and validate their vicious, self-serving talk as truth.  But giving credence to their warped views, renders us ashamed and unworthy.

Break the cycle of self-blaming now! The next time you’re feeling too needy and less than the wonderful person you are, remember:  it’s not you!  Consider instead the company you’re keeping.  Chances are they are an ‘all-about-themselves ‘A’ Lister.  

You can’t change them but have a choice to disassociate.  If this isn’t feasible because of life circumstances then disengage with them mentally and emotionally,  Do not give them the power to steal your worthiness. It is every person’s birthright.

By | 2016-07-16T17:08:24+00:00 July 16th, 2016|Miscellaneous mattiness|8 Comments

Spring Book Tour in New Jersey and Manhattan

I’m so excited to bring My Life as a Doormat to Barnes & Noble in Manhattan and New Jersey.  I’d love to meet you if you’re in the area.  If you already have my book, bring it and I will sign it. If not, copies will be available.  Below are the dates and times I’ll be there.

New York City event click here –

https://www.facebook.com/events/233817250313926/

New Jersey Event click here –

https://www.facebook.com/events/1704430653130523/

 

#@bneastbrunswick

#@bnupperws

 

Spring book tour

By | 2016-05-13T14:37:55+00:00 May 13th, 2016|"My Life as a Doormat" Book|4 Comments