“A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time. We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life. ” Andrew Matthews
Thank you to all who visit, comment and share The Society for Recovering Doormats. Wishing everyone a safe, peaceful, healthy and happy new year. Sending big hugs and much love to all. *Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner.
For newbies here: *Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner: I am an author and Rose is my alter ego. I use her strength to help others stand up and speak out and realize they are not alone.
We’re all standing up and speaking out together. Rose can always lead the way, sometimes as a conduit for all struggling. Or just someone to reach out to on-line when no one else will listen.
Ivy is a recovering doormat, trying my best my best to stay off the floor.
How many times have we accepted others views without question? Allowed their thoughts to reign supreme and leave our own opinions unspoken. Or IF we speak out, and our ideas are met with disapproval, contempt, and invalidated, remain silent and allow others to feed our self-doubts.
People pleasers, aka doormats, accept others negative views as absolute truth because we’re programmed not to make waves, or disagree. Stuffing down our own feelings and opinions is harmful and results in self-doubt, low self-esteem and inordinate amounts of stress. Allowing other people’s thoughts and values to govern our lives is dangerous because it determines our self-worth.
STOP listening to other people.
Being aware of this pitfall is an important step in recovering from doormatism. Knowing that other’s value judgements don’t matter is freeing! Validating our own efforts, accomplishments and self-worth is all that’s important.
Obsessing doesn’t have a positive outcome, yet it’s one of the top ten behaviors all people pleasing doormats engage in. The only thing ruminating will do is get and keep us stuck. Repeating the same thought over and over, without a solution renders us powerless and stagnant.
If you’re feeling stuck, please read these 7 suggestions for un-sticking yourself and moving forward.
The power of hurtful language is just as damaging and maybe even more detrimental than a physical assault. If someone strikes us, afterwards we can see the wound heal and know exactly what to do. Many times we choose to leave the relationship. A physical affront will make us take action. In most cases, will permit us to make a healthy decision about how to move forward.
But when the abuse is verbal, some fragment gets lodged within our mind and continues to replay itself. The wound never heals, and we remain within the abusive relationship, justifying the abusers behavior. But verbal abuse just like physical abuse is never okay, and should never be minimized or tolerated.
All humans are flawed and have needs. Except the narcissist. Don’t believe me? Just ask one. They’ll laundry list their super powers while pointing out and embellishing our weaknesses. Belittling and negating others is their specialty. Reducing another to an unworthy pile of insignificance; their primary goal.
Narcissists, or ‘A’ Listers as we refer to them here at The Society for Recovering Doormats, are dangerous personalities, especially for people pleasing doormats. They are toxic to approval addicts because we’re the first to accept and internalize the terrible lies they proclaim. We think we need their love and approval and validate their vicious, self-serving talk as truth. But giving credence to their warped views, renders us ashamed and unworthy.
Break the cycle of self-blaming now! The next time you’re feeling too needy and less than the wonderful person you are, remember: it’s not you! Consider instead the company you’re keeping. Chances are they are an ‘all-about-themselves ‘A’ Lister.
You can’t change them but have a choice to disassociate. If this isn’t feasible because of life circumstances then disengage with them mentally and emotionally, Do not give them the power to steal your worthiness. It is every person’s birthright.
I’m so excited to bring My Life as a Doormat to Barnes & Noble in Manhattan and New Jersey. I’d love to meet you if you’re in the area. If you already have my book, bring it and I will sign it. If not, copies will be available. Below are the dates and times I’ll be there.
This month, I’m seated at my key board working on my next book. (Currently untitled.) In book 2, many of the same characters from My Life as a Doormat are featured, new ones are added and the complicated relationship between mother and daughter is a primary focus.
I have scheduled some events for late spring and will keep you posted. Right now, I’m committed to writing. Below is an excerpt.
Thinking you’re responsible for others moods, behavior, choices and happiness is an underlying problem for most doormats. Many of us are empaths, empathizing and experiencing the feelings and thoughts of others as our own. And worse; taking responsibility for them. Detaching is an arduous task but can be achieved. Next time you’re around someone who’s in a funk, remember this one truth: “It’s not my fault ” and respond accordingly.
Unless your life is reclusive, and interaction with others is negligible, reminding yourself it is not your faultis paramount for becoming and remaining a recovering doormat.