Are you always the one reaching out, making plans and following through? How many times have you excused a friend’s lack of effort within a friendship? People pleasers need to be mindful of efforts given to friends who don’t reciprocate. Everyone has a lot on their plate and are going through something. Excusing these excuses is a signature trademark of doormat behavior.
If you’re feeling ignored and brushed aside by a ‘friend,’ then it’s time to reevaluate the friendship. Time to adjust your level of effort, and emotional involvement.
If you’re friendship feels one-sided, as if the person is doing you a favor, then do yourself a favor and never bother them again.
The most important thing to remember when in conversation with a turner is never let your guard down. You may feel comfortable and safe and that is what the turner is waiting for. The turner uses your open and vulnerable state as their cue to wield a nasty toxic remark at you. Or say something to undermine your confidence. Or both. And last but not least: do not over-share. Even if you’re in party mode and feeling the love. Unfiltered chatter and TMI can lead to the turner’s knife drawer. They might not throw one at you immediately, opting for another time when they will double their arsenal.
Turners are usually close and trusted friends and relatives. They are our confidants because they feel like a safe haven until disagreeing with them. Then, turners are vicious and nasty, just like the narcissist. But worse because we trusted them and never suspected their toxic side.
The main difference between a narcissist and turner (although they are kissing cousins) are the recognizable red flags preceding the narc. The turner doesn’t exhibit warning signals. Their status is only realized after burning us. They are more dangerous than narcs because much energy, love and trust is invested in them. Many times, we excuse away the first attack because we can’t believe our dear one is capable of this hurtful behavior.
Once a turner shows you who they are; believe them the first time. They will do it again and again if you allow them the first trespass. Distance yourself emotionally and avoid another turn burn.
Declaring your choices by speaking up is vital for all people pleasers. Use your voice to perpetuate or negate. For initiating or terminating. You have a right to agree or refute. All vocalized decisions enable recovery from doormatism.
The only decision keeping you stuck in doormat mode is remaining silent.
The Department of Homeland Security has a color-coded terrorism alert system. Red, the highest level, means a severe risk of terrorist attacks. The lowest level, green, means low risk of terrorist attacks. Between those are Blue (guarded risk), yellow (significant) and then there is orange (high). There is a lesser known and very subtleearly warning sign you may be dating a toxic personthat you never hear about. It’s not quite the level of a red alert, but it is definitely in the orange to the red range andit should put you on high alert that you are in danger ofbeing at the very least, emotionally abused, bya toxic person, narcissist or sociopath. It’s a tacticcalled Subtle Ignoring. It is generally a precursor to full-blown narcissistic abuse.