The Society For Recovering Doormats Turns 5!


I’d been a people pleaser since childhood. Being a polite, caring, thoughtful, kind and non-confrontational person was ingrained by my Mother. I didn’t know there was an alternative way to behave and treated everyone with respect and love; except myself. Years of this behavior chipped away at my self-confidence, worth and esteem.

In my twenties, I realized something was wrong but I didn’t know what. As an actor and writer accepting rejection was my status quo and confirmed my feelings of worthlessness. Since I didn’t know there was another way to feel, I accepted my self-doubt, and insecurities as normal.

Later in life this became an ongoing conversation with my therapist.

On a hot day in July 2012, I received another rejection letter from a publisher who I’d sent a query to about my book. I stuffed the letter inside my purse and went to see my therapist. In tears, I told him I was done with writing. He suggested taking a break from submitting my book. “Why don’t you start a page on Facebook?” I wasn’t technology savvy and the thought learning social media was daunting. And besides, what would I write about? “Write about something you’re good at.” My therapist offered.

I thought for several minutes and couldn’t think of a single thing. Then I blurted out, “I’m good at being a doormat.”

“Then write about that!” His eyes light up.

I left my appointment confused, and scared. I stored his suggestion in the back of my mind. Then on a rainy night in late October I started wondering about what my therapist had said. A few days later, after figuring out how to put up a page I took a deep breath and began writing. Unsure of what I’d say, or what my page would be, I forged ahead. The only thing I knew was I couldn’t be the only person out there who put everyone else’s needs and desires first. There must be a few others feeling “less than” and not good enough. Perhaps people who were too nice for their own good needed someplace to vent, rant, and share their struggles. And so I created The Society for Recovering Doormats – A safe place for people pleasers to visit.  And visit they did, by the thousands.

Now with over 76,000 Facebook followers, I’ve expanded to other social media platforms including this blog site The Society for Recovering Doormats, INSTAGRAM, and twitter. I published my first book, My Life as a Doormat in 2014, and am working on the sequel Not Just My Mother’s Daughter.  Also in the works is a self – help book called Off The Floor.

To mark my 5 year milestone anniversary, I’ve started a newsletter which you can receive for free by signing up with your email address on this blog site.

Many thanks to all who visit and share, I appreciate you more than words can say. Here’s to another 5 years of standing up and speaking out together!

With love and gratitude,
Ivy Tobin aka Rose Gardner

By | 2017-11-06T17:48:31+00:00 October 23rd, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|4 Comments

Why do I always do the right thing for the wrong people?

Right thing for wrong people

Chances are if you’re a people pleaser you are indiscriminate about whom you care about.  You do for others what you should be doing for yourself.   As an accommodating and passive, non confrontational and easy-going person, hours are spent worrying about doing the right thing. Or worse; worried about the past.  The past which is gone and can’t be changed.  Insecure and terrified about hurting other people’s feelings and doing what others want is the go to behavior of people pleasers; affectionately know as doormats.

When you give to like-minded people the rewards of you selfless behavior is acknowledged, appreciated, valued and loved.   But when the recipients of your good heart and intentions are narcissists, there is zero benefit. You’re left feeling judged and worthless. Nothing you ever do is good enough and they manipulate and dictate your every move according to their needs.

Why would anyone get involved with someone like this?  I believe it’s  a subconscious choice because narcissist are drawn to good-natured folks like us;  just like bees to honey.  They  disguise their ulterior motive and agendas until confidant they have us under their evil spell.  By the time we realize the one-sideness of the relationship it takes a long time to make a final exit.  But exit we must.

 

 

By | 2017-10-18T11:29:41+00:00 October 18th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|2 Comments

Phantom Friends.

FriendsAre you always the one reaching out, making plans and following through? How many times have you excused a friend’s lack of effort within a friendship?  People pleasers need to be mindful of efforts given to friends who don’t reciprocate. Everyone has a lot on their plate and are going through something.  Excusing these excuses is a signature  trademark of doormat behavior.

If you’re feeling ignored and brushed aside by a ‘friend,’  then it’s time to reevaluate the friendship.  Time to adjust your level of effort, and emotional involvement.

If you’re friendship feels one-sided, as if the person is doing you a favor, then do yourself a favor and never bother them again.

By | 2017-07-24T11:21:07+00:00 July 24th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments

Happy 4th of July

July 4thThis summer holiday celebrated in the USA is more than going to the beach, barbecues,  picnics and watermelon.  This holiday commemorates that we are a FREE NATION.  We celebrate this day because millions of Americans sacrificed their lives defending and protecting this precious commodity freedom.  Freedom of speech, the press and the pursuit of happiness.

By | 2017-07-04T10:37:25+00:00 July 4th, 2017|Miscellaneous mattiness|0 Comments