10 Signs you are a doormat

If any of these ten signs are familiar,  chances are you’re a doormat.  But take heart, you are capable of recovering from this matty lifestyle and moving out of doormat status. It is possible to overcome doormatism.

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By |2014-05-05T12:41:05+00:00May 5th, 2014|Miscellaneous mattiness|41 Comments


  1. Margarito Kadelak May 6, 2014 at 3:58 AM - Reply

    so much good information on here, : D.

    • ivytobin May 12, 2014 at 12:42 PM - Reply

      Thanks for visiting and commenting Margarito. 🙂

  2. Thu Asaro May 6, 2014 at 5:07 AM - Reply

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    • ivytobin May 21, 2014 at 10:14 AM - Reply

      Thanks so much Thu Asaro. 🙂 Rose G.

  3. Caprice Buesgens May 6, 2014 at 9:09 AM - Reply

    Thankx so a lot for this! I havent been this thrilled by a post for a long period of time! Youve got it, whatever that indicates in blogging. Anyway, That you are undoubtedly someone that has something to say that men and women need to hear. Maintain up the good job. Maintain on inspiring the people!

    • ivytobin May 21, 2014 at 10:14 AM - Reply

      Thanks so much Caprice. 🙂 Rose G.

  4. carleen sills July 19, 2014 at 11:33 AM - Reply

    I found your page right after I made a big stand with my adult children. The timing was perfect. Even though they wont let me see my grandchildren as my punishment, it had to be done. I am grateful for your posts.

    • ivytobin July 19, 2014 at 1:11 PM - Reply

      Timing is everything Carleen. Thanks so much for being here. Welcome.

    • Cindy Schroeder February 8, 2015 at 8:18 PM - Reply

      Carleen I feel your pain. I am in the same boat! I can’t see my grandson because I stood up for myself!

      • Sue April 4, 2015 at 5:22 PM - Reply

        Me too. I finally stood up for myself. Was immediately accused of being mentally unstable and also stopped from seeing my granddaughters. It is now six years since I saw them.

        • ivytobin April 4, 2015 at 6:46 PM - Reply

          Hi Sue, I am very saddened to learn that as a result of standing up for yourself you aren’t able to see your grandchildren. That sounds very cruel and harsh. It sounds like the parents of your grandkids are unstable: not you. Hoping they have a change of heart. Sending you hugs (((( )))) Rose G. <3

    • Maya Murray September 13, 2015 at 8:32 PM - Reply

      Carleen Sills, I have been a doormat for my adult son and after an argument we are estranged since February. I miss my son & grandbaby but I don’t miss the disrespect. It feels good not to be a doormat!!!

      • ivytobin September 14, 2015 at 1:57 PM - Reply

        Hi Maya, I am sure you’re struggling with missing your son and grand baby, but being disrespected is TOO HIGH A PRICE to pay for your son to be a par at of your life. Perhaps one day he will return and treat you with the respect you deserve. Good for you for not taking the abuse. Congratulations on being a recovering doormat, and a mat-no-more <3 Rose Gardner, creator and founding member of The Society for Recovering Doormats.

    • Susan Wilson July 15, 2016 at 12:15 PM - Reply

      I, too , carleen , am being punished for standing up to my daughter and son in law. They have stopped me from seeing my granddaughters. It’s seven years since I saw them.I was a doormat, apologising, grovelling and taking the blame for stuff I haven’t done.

      • ivytobin July 16, 2016 at 10:39 AM - Reply

        Susan, thanks for sharing. You are not alone. We’ve all been or are still there. That’s why we’re recovering doormats. Sending lots of love and ((((HUGS)))

    • Tambra September 27, 2017 at 5:28 PM - Reply

      Oh,I’m so sorry this happened..I also have been deprived of being a grandma.. it’s truly heartbreaking to live with.I just hope and pray our adult children see the love they are depriving their own children

      • ivytobin September 27, 2017 at 9:18 PM - Reply

        Tambra, I hope that your adult children and you find a comfortable common ground that allows you to see your grandchildren. Sending you many (((Hugs)))

  5. Catharine August 1, 2014 at 12:21 PM - Reply

    I have an adult daughter who is thoughtless an cruel, I am disabled an she takes advantage of me, she moved in my home then without my permission moved her boyfriend in when I was at church, they bullied me an abused me while they destroyed my house. Police were no help telling me they were residences I couldnt get them removed. Finally a judge made them move, and they were gone for 4yrs,,then out of no where after no hearing from my daughter all that time she calls me begging to come back she had broken up with boyfriend had no where to go ,,so I laid down ground work to her about rules in house an with me ..an let her back. Well she followed them for awhile an now she is back to her narcissitic behavior. And does not help in the house an is abusive of me. I am older now an need help doing things in my home she wont lift a finger to do anything but will make bills go up by leaving lights on, etc. She has no car but uses mine without permission. I tell her about it but she attacks me over it ,,it doesnt get any better. LIfe is horrible. She is using me to get her life back in order while she is destroying me. Sure she got a job, an is storing away her money so she can go get her a place while she is putting me in the hole. I cant get her to give me a dime! Not even for gas she is using my car to go back an forth to her job. Or to get oil changed in the car. I cant take it anymore! Yes I talk to her about but it goes no where.

    • ivytobin August 5, 2014 at 9:11 AM - Reply

      Hi Catherine, it saddens me to read about your daughters appalling, selfish, narcissistic behavior. I truly hope you will continue talking to her about how unacceptable her behavior is. Also you need to set some very firm boundaries. Start by telling ( not ‘asking’)for rent while she’s living in YOUR house. Tell her, you need money for her use of the car. Prayers and heartfelt thoughts to you. Your friend Rose. <3

    • Susan February 16, 2015 at 12:50 PM - Reply

      Do you have any friends or relatives that care about your well being? How about having them stage an ‘intervention’. They can pack up her stuff, while she’s at work, and when she returns.. force her & her crap out.

      • ivytobin February 16, 2015 at 2:33 PM - Reply

        Sounds easy to do Susan, but I am thinking it is hard for a Mother to do that. A lot of ‘tough love’ is needed, and unless Catherine is ready to take action it probably won’t happen. Although it would probably help her child grow up. Thanks for shouting out <3 Rose G.

  6. drterrysegal August 25, 2014 at 9:25 PM - Reply

    Thank you, Rose, for heightening everyone’s awareness of this important issue.

  7. Shelley August 31, 2014 at 8:49 PM - Reply

    LOVE LOVE LOVE your website and Facebook posts!

    • ivytobin September 2, 2014 at 10:12 AM - Reply

      Thank you so much Shelley! You made my morning with your comment. Thanks so much for being with us. <3 Rose G.

  8. Catharine September 7, 2014 at 3:09 AM - Reply

    Thank you Rose for you imput, I put boundaries as you suggested but they are not listened too. I end up locking myself in my room because it gets me too sick to always be yelled at by my daughter. She is a bully. You know you can TELL someone but it dont mean they listen or will do!

    • ivytobin September 7, 2014 at 10:36 AM - Reply

      Hi Catherine, that is true: you can tell someone, but you can’t make them listen. Continue standing up for yourself. It takes a long time until these bullies get that we are SERIOUS and back down. It takes day in and day out REINFORCEMENT of your new set boundaries. Please keep trying, it will get better. Hugs, and thanks for shouting out today.

  9. Karen December 7, 2014 at 5:10 AM - Reply

    How do you stop or change this?

    • ivytobin December 7, 2014 at 10:54 AM - Reply

      There isn’t a ‘fast cure’. It is a step by step, day by day process. Please see the post “10 Ways to Stop People Pleasing” in the Miscellaneous Mattiness section. Thanks for reaching out. <3

  10. Lynn February 1, 2015 at 6:47 AM - Reply

    Almost everyone is can bully in their own way. My husband set the trend. I didn’t use to be a doormat, but in doing so has cost me years of my life and bad parenting for my children as they’re learning that dad can run all over mom. I hate it, but I’m changing it now.

    • ivytobin February 1, 2015 at 3:28 PM - Reply

      So glad you are changing it now Lynn. It is never too late to stand up and speak out. Never to late to claim your power and declare yourself a recovering doormat!

  11. Walla Tina February 28, 2015 at 5:58 PM - Reply

    wow…I never even realized that I was and have been and still am a doormat….dang…No wonder

    • ivytobin March 1, 2015 at 9:21 AM - Reply

      Hi Tina, don’t worry you are in lots of great company. The good news is you can CHANGE. It’s all about behavioral shifts. Standing up for yourself, and speaking your truth. It doesn’t happen overnight, but with a consistent effort, you can me a mat-no-more in no time! <3

  12. Diane L. Fontes October 5, 2015 at 3:23 PM - Reply

    I am married 30 years found out from everyone I married a person how has Narcissist Type personality. He’s the type who has no faults will not take blame for anything he has done to his wife or family.. Does not help that he has a list of health problems he needs med’s to keep him walking etc. but those med’s all have side effects.. So when you mix the side effects & Narcissist it’s the hardest thing to live with a person with all that..

    • ivytobin October 5, 2015 at 9:35 PM - Reply

      Hi Diane, I am so sorry you are in this situation. The only suggestion I have is to read everything you can about narcissists and know that whatever he does and says is NOT YOUR FAULT! Perhaps a support group would be good? You are not alone. It seems to be an epidemic! And narcissist LOVE the good natured, giving and selfless doormat. Please take extra good care of YOURSELF. Sending many ((HUGS)) and much love your way. <3

  13. Telmey November 27, 2015 at 2:16 PM - Reply

    Thank you so much, you know the first thing we need to know and admit to ourself is to recognise is we are being hoodwinked and abused, sometimes that takes an enormous amount of guts, I think even tougher for a male. But with your amazingly enlightening page and posts, yes it is time to get up and move, you are the motivation in my world. Thank you so much.
    One thing I realised today, I may have been / am a doormat, but I am closest to the door, which is NOT locked. I keep repeating that to myself – “The door is not locked”
    I just need to find a way to leave without the war, is it wrong to want to leave in peace?

    • ivytobin November 28, 2015 at 12:06 AM - Reply

      It is a most noble desire to leave in peace. And most people in doormat status feel this way. We are kind, loving, peaceful people and we don’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone. After all, that is how we got here in the first place, right? Hold on to those beautiful intentions, but let go of anyone who doesn’t APPRECIATE your worthiness. Sometimes, and against our good nature, it is not possible to ‘leave in peace,’ but we must push ourself and exit any toxic situation ASAP and many times our empowered, RECOVERING DOORMAT behavior ruffles a few feathers. That is NOT our problem. We must serve our greater good. <3 Rose G.

  14. Janell Michel November 27, 2015 at 6:51 PM - Reply


  15. Hedeifrost January 25, 2017 at 3:53 AM - Reply

    I love this site I a have realised since last year I am absolutely a recovering doormat I have stopped apologising for my thoughts feelings and actions I have started standing up for myself and I am going to keep it up I’m 6 weeks happy and it is going to continue I know I will have bad days but I will deal with them as and when they come

    • ivytobin January 25, 2017 at 1:52 PM - Reply

      I am so happy to read your comment Hedeifrost! Congratulations!!!! Keep standing up and speaking out. One day at a time. Everyday. <3

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