How many times have we accepted others views without question? Allowed their thoughts to reign supreme and leave our own opinions unspoken. Or IF we speak out, and our ideas are met with disapproval, contempt, and invalidated, remain silent and allow others to feed our self-doubts. (more…)
Obsessing doesn’t have a positive outcome, yet it’s one of the top ten behaviors all people pleasing doormats engage in. (more…)
Why do we feel terrible when we begin standing up for ourselves?
People pleasers are so use to staying silent, accepting abusive and critical verbal abuse that speaking our mind feels unnatural and uncomfortable. Going along with the general consensus, and not making waves was our MO for so long we believed this to be normal.
During recovery from doormatism, it’s hard to speak our truth. But we must learn how to despite possible residual negative feelings. The moment the words are spoken we may start traveling down the river of doubt. Then perhaps, turn in ourselves, beating our self up with false beliefs of unworthiness. And then our most self destructive behavior: forgetting WHY we spoke our truth in the first place. Forgetting we have the right to defend ourselves without guilt, shame or concern if we’ve upset our abuser is detrimental.
The good news is: our level of uncomfortableness fades the more we practice self care.
Stand up, speak out without guilt or shame.
#offthefloor
Anyone ever feel like this?
All humans are flawed and have needs. Except the narcissist. Don’t believe me? Just ask one. They’ll laundry list their super powers while pointing out and embellishing our weaknesses. Belittling and negating others is their specialty. Reducing another to an unworthy pile of insignificance; their primary goal.
Narcissists, or ‘A’ Listers as we refer to them here at The Society for Recovering Doormats, are dangerous personalities, especially for people pleasing doormats. They are toxic to approval addicts because we’re the first to accept and internalize the terrible lies they proclaim. We think we need their love and approval and validate their vicious, self-serving talk as truth. But giving credence to their warped views, renders us ashamed and unworthy.
Break the cycle of self-blaming now! The next time you’re feeling too needy and less than the wonderful person you are, remember: it’s not you! Consider instead the company you’re keeping. Chances are they are an ‘all-about-themselves ‘A’ Lister.
You can’t change them but have a choice to disassociate. If this isn’t feasible because of life circumstances then disengage with them mentally and emotionally, Do not give them the power to steal your worthiness. It is every person’s birthright.
One of the biggest challenges of people pleasing, approval addicts is saying ‘no’ because we don’t want to let anyone down. Instead of speaking our truth and letting our needs known, we accommodate. We wind up in uncomfortable situations, surrounded by people we don’t want to be around, doing things we’re not interested in. We appease others because disappointing anyone terrifies us. We want everyone to be happy, and negate our own personal happiness in the process.
We may be unaware of the tremendous price we’re paying by being a ‘yes person.’ Stress, anxiety and depression are byproducts of people pleasing. By avoiding conflict at all costs we might stave off a disagreement. But by keeping the peace we cause a damaging war inside ourselves.
Please remember this the next time you say yes when you really mean no. Or stay silent when you need to speak up. 
My book event at Barnes and Noble on the upper west side of NYC was the perfect way to conclude the spring northeast book tour of My Life as a Doormat. Many thanks to all who attended.
#MyLifeasaDoormat
#bnupperws
Manhattan Book event
I’m writing my next book! Although I haven’t decided on a final title yet, I’m considering Not Just My Mother’s Daughter.
Book 2 takes place in the early 1990’s. Rose Gardner is faced with a new set of challenges, situations and people to stand up to. Many of the same characters from My Life as a Doormat are featured and new ones are added as the complicated relationship between mother and daughter is explored.
Below is an excerpt. I’d love to hear what you think of the title, and this blurb.
Thinking you’re responsible for others moods, behavior, choices and happiness is an underlying problem for most doormats. Many of us are empaths, empathizing and experiencing the feelings and thoughts of others as our own. And worse; taking responsibility for them. Detaching is an arduous task but can be achieved. Next time you’re around someone who’s in a funk, remember this one truth: “It’s not my fault ” and respond accordingly.
Unless your life is reclusive, and interaction with others is negligible, reminding yourself it is not your fault is paramount for becoming and remaining a recovering doormat.
Need daily reminders? Or a meaningful gift for the recovering doormat in your life? Visit The Society for Recovering Doormat Shop by following the link below –http://www.cafepress.com/+society-doormats+gifts
Everyone is responsible for themselves, and it’s not your job to justify other’s bad behavior. If you’re constantly defending someone’s words and deeds then it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Trust yourself enough to know if you experience someones comments and actions as inconsiderate, rude and offensive that you’re right. Stop putting your head in sand and ignoring your inner truth. It’s time to take the doormat glasses off and see the person through reality lenses.
Many thanks to all visiting and sharing The Society for Recovering Doormats. I want you to know how much I appreciate your viewership here, and on my other social media platforms. 2015 was a year of life lessons and tremendous personal growth and your continued presence helps keep me off the floor too.
As the new year begins, I happily announce the drafting of my second novel. Many have inquired what happens to Rose after My life as a Doormat? The second book will answer that question. Now that I’ve made this announcement public, I guess I have to really set a deadline and get this book done!
Wishing you and your loved ones the happiest and healthiest New Year possible.
Much love,
Rose.
